Reality

Yesterday I woke up to a jarring reality.  I quit my job.  I quit my job to stay at home and play on the computer all day. LOL!  I say that because in essence that is exactly what I’m doing.  Granted, I pretty much finished an entire website template yesterday for a client but still. . . it’s so strange because I feel guilty.  I feel like I should be busier maybe?  More stressed?  Anxious about traffic?  Something just seems so off right now. . .it’s very surreal.  It’s a shame that I’ve lived by somebody else’s rules and schedule for so long that I find myself thinking of how I can cram more into my days to feel validated.  It’s really dumb, I know.  But it’s hard to let go of that conditioning.

The kids will be here full time starting Friday. . .I guess I’m trying to get a bunch of stuff finished/caught up before school is out, so I can focus on them and the handy little summer calendar I put together.  I really need my head examined.  The only reason I came up with a calendar in the first place is because my son thinks that EVERY second of the day we should be engaged in some sort of entertaining activity.   We’ve had several very long conversations about what staying at home with me this summer means and in every conversation I tell him, it won’t be fun and games every day.  I am actually trying to work and build a portfolio for myself so that I can potentially work from home permanently in the future, which means I can’t play superheroes and draw pictures and play freeze tag all day long. Hence the calendar.  It lays out specific activities that we will do together each day.  I told him he and his sister are more than welcomed to run around like maniacs all day if they want but I can’t always participate. I think he’s pretending to understand and be okay with it but I have a feeling he’s going to be picking from the bored jar most of the summer.

That leads me to another topic, when I was his age (eight) and just when I was growing up in general- my mother never played with us.  Let me explain, I had a little sister 18 months younger than me.  That was my playmate.  I cannot remember a single time that my mother got down on the floor and pretended to play Barbie’s with us.  Maybe it happened and I just can’t remember it but I’m willing to bet it never happened.  And I’m totally okay with it.  I’m not an emotionally scarred adult because my mother, who was a single working mother, didn’t play with us.  We had a great relationship and hung out more when I was older but as a child, she bought me and my sister all the toys we wanted for us to play together.  My son would literally throw himself off a building if I didn’t play with him.  I mean, seriously, even if his sister plays with him he still wants ME involved.  It’s equal parts endearing and annoying.  Mainly because he never knows when to stop!  I feel like such a horrible mother because I have to say, “Okay, we’ll play this game for 20 minutes and that’s it.” And I literally time the activity because that is the only way I can break free!

I know there will probably come a day that he barely says two words to me and I’ll long for these days or maybe not. . .ha! I’m totally fine with comfortable silences.  However I will miss just the closeness that I share with him and my daughter.  That is one of the reasons for the sabbatical to spend quality time together.  Just not on the floor pretending to be a Pokemon ALL DAY!  We made cookie pops the other day, that’s more my speed:

First, you mix the dough and insert the sticks.

Bake at 350 degrees for 22 minutes.

Next, spread the icing once the cookies have cooled.

Finish off with sprinkles and eat!

These cookies were actually pretty good! I’m more of a chocolate chip girl but these weren’t bad.  “Recipe” courtesy of Pillsbury cookie kit.  So, I’m looking forward to more activities like this over the summer!  YAWN!  Excuse me, I am exhausted.  That’s another downfall. . .I find myself going to sleep much later than what makes sense but then I have to get up to get the kids ready for school.  Today I’m pushing all guilt aside, I’m still in my pajamas and I’m going to take a nap!

Have a great afternoon!

MzM

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